9/28/05 Banff, Alberta The Los Angeles Quakes were shocked to learn that Carl “Goose” Gosewich is returning to the ice as an active player.  In a move that sends fear through the entire Pacific Southern Northern International League (PSNIL), Gosewich has apparently decided to return after being stung by criticisms that he could not get the team in shape as the strength and conditioning coach.  “I was shocked and saddened to hear that some in the media and in the Quakes organization questioned my coaching abilities and my own conditioning,” read Gosewich from a prepared statement.  He continued, “Look at me, have you ever seen me in better shape?”  Gosewich appeared to be a svelte 350 pounds, about 40 pounds under his playing weight.  “I feel I can bulk up sufficiently before the start of the regular season and be prepared to skate a regular defensive shift,” he said.

            “Carl’s return to the ice will make us a favorite to win the PSNIL Mug,” commented general manger Bill Burden.  “His hockey skills were missed, but more importantly, we really missed his leadership in the locker room.”  Ecstatic coach Randy Carbone added, “His presence will make us the force we once were.  ‘Goose’ is tough for opposing forwards to get around, it seems like he takes up all the ice when he’s out there.”  Team owner Roger Lucich said, “We want to make Carl happy, if skating is what he wants to do, we’ll be happy to accommodate him.  After all, he will certainly be a first ballot hall of famer.”  The only dissenting comment was made by the CFO Larry Glascott.  “There goes the equipment budget, I’ve seen smaller $*@& elephants!”  Glascott looked stunning wearing chartreuse slacks with a baby blue shirt and a mauve mood ring.  He was accompanied by Danny Santarpio and his pet apricot toy poodle, Snuggles.

            Upon announcement of Gosewich’s return, all remaining Quake home games were sold out and the report around the league is most Quake road games sold out within minutes of the announcement.  “I guess people want to see a hall of famer work.  I’d imagine there are a lot of dads that want their sons to see one of the true veterans of PSNIL play again,”  said Burden.