9/28/05 Banff, Albert The Los Angeles Quakes continue their preseason preparations at this luxurious Canadian resort nestled on the shores of beautiful Lake Louise.  As always, the Quakes are under the watchful eye of head coach Randy Carbone and long time general manager Bill Burden.  Once considered the brightest talent evaluators in the business, their star has lost a bit of its luster after several sub-par seasons.  

    Team owner and president, Roger Lucich (The “Silent Assassin” in his playing days), has also parked his private jet here to make sure that the team is properly focused and not out testing beverages at the numerous resorts and clubs in the area.  “I feel the last couple of seasons we were not physically or mentally prepared to start the season and I want to make sure that doesn’t happen again”, said Lucich, perhaps indicating that Burden and Carbone are on very short leashes this season.  Carbone, never one to mince words, stated, “That #*$#) Lucich should try to coach a team that is held together by baling wire, smoke and mirrors.  Scotty *(&*&() Bowman couldn’t win with the talent I’ve had!   I’ve got an idea, why don’t we sign someone that is less that 200 years old!”.  Burden was a bit more diplomatic, “Roger is certainly entitled to his opinions.  After all, it is his money and he expects a return on it.  I can honestly say that every move I’ve made has been to try and improve this hockey club, sometimes they just don’t work out.  Take the Bateman deal, no one could predict he would miss that kind of playing time.”

    The Erik Bateman deal was the Quakes way of trying to shore up their porous defense with a big, stay at home defensemen.  His first full year with the Quakes was filled with nagging injuries and he was plagued with taking bad penalty after bad penalty.  “I assure you, there will be a different Erik Bateman on the ice this year.  Last year is behind me.  I’m a go forward type of a guy, now is not the time to play the blame game,” commented Bateman.  Flamboyant CFO Larry Glascott, attending training camp with his life partner Danny Santarpio, felt Bateman was a bust, “I can’t believe we’re still paying him.  My books are all a mess because of his lackluster play.  Carbone wanted nothing of the Bateman debate.  His only comment being, “Next question.”

    Some would blame strength and conditioning coach Carl “Goose” Gosewich for not having the team in condition.  Carbone, fiercely loyal to his ex-teammate and player, would have none of it.  “When you look at ‘Goose’, conditioning comes to mind.  No one was every in better shape or more prepared to start a season than ‘Goose’ when he was still playing.  You can lead a &*(&() horse to water but you can’t make him drink.  I believe the majority of our players are just plain &*)&*( lazy.”

    The Quakes do look in better shape that years past but they are a year older.  They will be led into Lakewood Gardens by high scoring and talented forwards David Temkin, Jeff Allen and Adam Bogorad.  Also expected to chip in will be Ray Razo and the coach himself, Randy Carbone.  The ageless wonders, Bob Reefman and Bill Burden, will be back for their 35^th seasons and will be counted on for a goal or two.  The big Russian, Leo Stefanov, has never looked better after a summer of conditioning in Kiev.  “It was good to be back home.  A little home cooking is good every now and then,” said Stefanov.  Quick, but sensitive forward Greg Shaw is expected to be back on the ice.  He has been a holdout the entire camp still upset after a benching incident at the end of last season.  No one is sure of his location, but most believe he is living in Lutsen, Minnesota and fishing daily with another well known recluse, Mark Pavelich.  A big season from Rick Carbone would be nice, but a history of chronic back problems may keep him off of the ice more than he would like.

    The defense, the most feared unit in the league, will be led by newcomer Nick Wood, distant relative to the Rolling Stones’ Ron Wood, and the ageless Jeff Sax.  Big Gary Wells, the aforementioned Bateman and Joey Longoria will also be expected to contribute.  Tim Burke will miss the majority of the season with knee contusion.  This is another in the long line of mysterious ailments that Burke has encountered.  “I think he (Burke) is a sissy,” said Glascott.  Carbone, choking back laugher, remarked, “Well if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black.  I hope Larry didn’t soil his undies making a vicious statement like that.”  When told of Carbone’s comments, Glascott choked back tears and ran from the room.

    The goaltending will be in the hands of long time Quake John Gornick, returning for his 12^th year.  Gornick, who holds all league records for shots faced, sounded optimistic, “I can smell it.  The defense has looked sharp in practice and I think I’ll have some goal support that I didn’t have in the past”.  Burden would only say that he is getting a bit concerned about Gornick, “He’s a little long in the tooth, but if he stops the puck, I think we’ll be fine.”

    The Quakes will break camp on October 2^nd and head to Southern California for the home opener at Lakewood Gardens.  Evidently the fans expect a lot too as season ticket sales have the Quakes at 95% capacity for the season and most single game seats already sold.  Let’s hope the Quakes can hold their end of the bargain.